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Sex & Intimacy: Paired & Learned?

I wish there were a Gay sex blog that takes the subject seriously, especially in these days of legal Gay marriage.

I like eye candy as much as the next guy, but I’d like to find a forum that deals with the sexual issues I think about:

• How do two guys make a relationship?

• What makes relationships last?

• How do lovers overcome sexual incompatibility? What do you do when your lover wants something you find icky? Or painful? Or humiliating? Or boring? What strategies work best and allow you to keep and improve the relationship?

(Advice columns are as superficial as the people who write them and read them. Thanks, I already know about lubes and toys.)

• What are the data on monogamy vs. “open” relationships? I haven’t seen any new work on that since McWhirter and Mattison in 1984.

• Does it help us or hurt us to separate commitment and sexuality?

• Do 3-ways ever work? Or does one guy get jealous when the trick prefers his lover?

• How do we mature emotionally beyond assessing every other guy’s “hotness”?

• Youth is generally attractive, but can we learn how to sexualize guys our own age, whatever that is? Twenty-somethings get older at the exact same rate as everyone else. Nor does “aging” seem the central issue; what do two 25-year-olds do when they fall in love?

• What are the connections between sexuality and spirituality? If they’re connected in good ways, how do we bring more spirit to our sex?

• What is the difference between having sex and making love?

• What can Gay men learn from women?

• What can Gay men teach women?

• Sexuality is progressive over our lives; as teens we may be attracted to any kind of sex, but as we progress, we develop ever more specific wants and fantasies. How can we bring those into an ongoing relationship? What does it take to do so?

• We celebrate our sexual liberation, but aren’t we often just as shy and reluctant to talk about our real feelings with our partner as Puritan Straights are? Do we create artificial barriers to intimacy?

• Are there LGBT religious groups or community centers that sponsor such discussions? If not, why not? (I found one online in Bellingham, Washington, and news of a weekend retreat last year in upstate New York.) Is there a need for such discussions BEFORE people go crazy and need therapy? Does anyone write books on these topics geared to intelligent laypeople rather than professional counselors?

• How do custodial children change a couple’s sexual dynamics?

• Can people be taught how to be intimate? Some people seem to be incapable of it; what about the rest of us?

I have my own ideas about these questions, but please, if something here strikes a chord in you, leave a comment.++

6 Responses

  1. Oh, pero Josh, those are all good, and real questions…I think instead of waiting for someone to “indicate” statistics and trends we ought start answering these questions…this could be the survey…do you have a “poll” gadget? Why not go “poll” those questions one by one and we can comment as well as vote? I’m game…love the questions and I think I can answer most of them with my own experience…which, I would imagine is the authentic commodity we’re looking for in all the answers…YES, let’s do it…do you wanna?

  2. I don’t have a poll gadget here, but I can look for one. I never thought to do it that way, but it might work. Thanks, Leonardo.

  3. Good…think of the written responses too…and we could send out a invitation to your new blog to all the people like us that we know….intersting, since your “statement” over at your Akinola blog…I keep thinking about…hey, what IS acceptable for people like us…am I missing some new information? Am I out of the loop? Am I innocently pursing traditional moral values that don’e really exist? What’s the marriage covenant, for people like us, REALLY about? Is there some kind of a movement to relgiously validate something other than monogomous relationships? Is there a “wink/wink” that I’m unaware of?

  4. “new blog” or this blog or whever you want to introduce the discussion…sorry, didn’t mean to be pushy.

  5. I’m a member of a online group that has a “poll” feature (actually that’s the Forum I moderate)…I ask the question, provide lots of options for answers, limit the option selection to one choice…offer a “none of the above” that can be checked with a suggestion that if it is check that the poster will comment and explain below in the message area…it works.

  6. I found a free poll gadget at polldaddy.com which says it works with this WordPress bloghost. I didn’t select it yet because I’m still thinking through the best way to approach these questions.

    An alternative is offering my own thoughts on the questions I’ve raised, which I probably ought to do. But inviting others to participate in the discussion is very much the way to go. All our knowledge is only partial and we can learn from each other.

    (More in the next post.)

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